Something I, as a woman, look for in men


Today I’m going to share something that I personally look for in
men and if he shows signs of this “red flag”… well, I quickly rule
him out as a potential dating partner.


You should also look for this in women, as it is a red flag if a
woman does this as well…. But you also want to make certain that
you aren’t guilty of it- because, unfortunately, it’s a common
reaction men have (biologically & through evolution) which can
create an unhealthy relationship/ marriage.


You may recall a few months back (back in early February) I told
you about a man I met in Virginia who I was working on a project
with, but I found sexually interesting. One day I went to lunch
with him and up until that lunch, I had witnessed him as being
confident, authoritative, secure and pleasant… but when he
stepped inside the pizzeria and was placed in unfamiliar
surroundings, he became bullish & egotistical… a complete,
complete turn off.


He later asked if I might want to do something with him for
Valentine’s Day, and I told him that I already had plans to have
cocktails with a few of my female friends, and besides, I didn’t
think it would be wise to go on a “date” when we’re both working on
this project together. Truth of the matter is, is if I hadn’t seen
him act this way at that pizzeria, then I would have strongly
considered the date with him.


Now, some of you may be thinking that his little “emotional
outburst” at the pizzeria was small potatoes and nothing to worry
about. And, up until recent years, I thought the same and would
have (most likely) ignored it.


But this goes along with “mobile identity” and since I, and
multiple female friends, have been placed in some uncomfortable and
even dangerous situations with men while traveling, I now look
closely at how a man handles himself in an unfamiliar environment-
be it a grocery store, restaurant, one of my friend’s houses,


I now realize that if a man demonstrates insecurity, fragility and
egotism (ego & fear, two sides, one coin) while placed in a simple
yet different environment- then that man stands a good chance of
NOT being any fun on a vacation or anytime travel is required… not
to mention anytime we go to a new & different restaurant.


As seasoned readers know, back in 2005 I dated a man named Foley
who was extremely charismatic and very much a “renaissance man”,
who lived on some acreage and played polocrosse, fished, made goods
from leather and wood, played the violin, and tutored students in
French and Spanish. I thoroughly enjoyed going to his house for
dinner. On a nice evening, he grilled fish outside and we sat under
the stars drinking wine, eating various aged cheeses, and listening
to music.


If he was on his home turf, he was secure and emotionally stable
(for the most part, at least 90% of the time). But, multiple times,
when we met at a restaurant or tried a new place or event… hold on
tight… because he would become this snooty, sensitive mass of
flesh that was embarrassing and downright rude.


It got where I hated trying new places with him- I avoided it.
There was NO WAY we could travel together. So, for several months
we only went to the places he knew, we only did things with his
friends (I did things with my friends by myself), and we only went
to theater and music venues he was familiar with AND it was a show
that he wanted to see & was his idea.


That is no way to live. Right there the relationship becomes
controlling, oppressive and yes…. abusive.


Because of this, I enjoy going to restaurants that men have never
been to and I enjoy placing a man in an unfamiliar environment-
it’s a “test” that I give to see how he holds up.


If he becomes snooty with a waiter… it’s over.


If he whines and returns food… it’s over.


If he becomes quieter than usual or shows signs of insecurity…
it’s over.


If he becomes sensitive when I want to pay and this makes him feel
embarrassed, or he shows signs of not feeling secure if a woman
doesn’t necessarily “need him” in her life… it’s over.


But, on the flipside, if he confidently enters and navigates the
restaurant, asks polite questions when he isn’t sure of something,
isn’t afraid to try something new & different, and carries on a
conversation that demonstrates security and confidence… then I’ll
happily go on more dates with him…. And possibly to a foreign
country too :-)



The woman on your side,
Shelley McMurtry 
Founder of “First In Her Mind .com”



How to Use a Woman’s Frustration Energy to Your Advantage

Some of you may be familiar with some Eastern school of thought on
how energies are used in the human body. Chinese philosophies refer
to it as Chi, and the energy itself can have both female and male
(Yin and Yang) “flavors” to it. The way we use our energy is

indicative of our personalities and personal inclinations. Whatever you choose to call it, I think we all agree that this energy is very real, even if we’re not sure how to channel it.


Now, don’t worry, I’m not going off on a mystical California carpet

ride with you. I’m just trying to highlight a concept with you that relates to dating.


 I was having a talk with a fellow webmaster, and we were discussing
how men and women channel their energies in their lives. Think
about how you use your own creative energy, or your physical
energy. We sometimes put it into our exercise, such as Triathlons
and weightlifting. Or, you may be like me, a frustrated writer that
needs to pour his mind out on paper as a form of mental therapy.


What about sexual energy? Now, any guy that’s spent a couple weeks
abstinent knows what I mean by this kind of energy, and you damn
well know it’s real, too. There are days of sexual frustration
where you wake up and shut off your alarm with a roundhouse kick,
and then you go to work and belt out about thirty pages of
spreadsheets, upgrade the workstations on five floors, and it’s not
even 7:30 in the morning.


For a woman, sexual energy is less about immediate and direct
gratification. Most of the women I have known never get “horny” the
way a guy will. Sure, some do, but it’s only after they’ve broken
down some of their trust barriers with a man and can feel safe and
secure about putting her more primal physical desires out there.


Now, think about frustration for a guy. When a guy gets frustrated
from his goal, what happens? When you find yourself thwarted at
every turn, what emotion begins to rear its head?
You get angry.


Men are hardwired by the testosterone in their bloodstream to feel
aggression when they are held back from their desires. They get
pissed, and then they are prone to get very aggressive. Now,
luckily for modern civilization, we don’t always act on this
feeling, but if you look around you I think you’ll agree that we
still let that frustration find its natural outlet. I get
frustrated at certain things in my life, and I’ll feel the old
Incredible Hulk syndrome start to kick in. (Even if I can’t shred
my shirt and kick as much behind as the Hulk can.)


How do women react to frustration?
Have you ever watched a woman when she gets flustered and teased?
Have you seen how she behaves? I’ll be honest, it’s almost
embarrassingly primitive and childish.
First, the women gets excited. It even looks amazingly like anger,
but it’s not. It’s a delicious cocktail of thrilling and emotional


Then, the woman gets TURNED ON.


She doesn’t even realize it, but it’s there. You see, women have an
entirely different reaction and outlet for their frustration, and
it’s not like our male aggressive behavior. It’s a form of FEMALE
aggression, called sexual excitement. She can’t get rid of the
energy any other way.


Remember this. It’s why women respond to the Tease to Please so
strongly. It’s why they respond to our challenges the way they do.
And it’s the secret for leading her into attraction for you.


At first, you may reject this as being too simplistic and cliche,
but if you look behind the Hollywood smoke screen, you’ll see that
this is what she’s looking for. This is what many women respond to,
and it’s a critical step in your building up mystery and challenge
in her eyes.


-By: Carlos Xuma